Reservations, Conversations
by persephonemoonbathesagain
Summary: A very shy and insecure Remus settles into a twisty turning relationship conversation with a sprightly Tonks. Is romance on the horizon? Or DISASTER? One shot, slightly AU, and I see it lasting about 5 chapters. Romance fluff bomb, but with the serious intent of trying to depict a healthy relationship, or the beginnings of one. Communication is sexy! ;-)
1. Chapter 1

It had been several hours since the family and friends gathered for dinner at 12 Grimmauld Place parted ways — for street, for work, for bed. But Remus Lupin was still wide awake, staring at a well-worn book in the ornate library room. Approximately 4 hours earlier Molly Weasley had given up trying to persuade Remus to abandon, well, whatever it was he thought he was doing, and get some rest. Even Molly had to let it be and just shrug her shoulders at the warm but self-guarded werewolf; but not before she brought Remus a blanket to drape over his own shoulders ('that isn't necessary, Molly, but thank you' 'Hmph!' Molly observed) and a cup of his favorite tea ('please get some sleep yourself, Molly; no need to waste the tea on my ill had habits.' At this, Molly just about rolled her eyes). So now it was 3:30 in the morning and Remus sat staring blankly at his book, all alone, for it had been nearly an hour since he had given up all pretense at concentrating on the argument of Spinoza's Ethics, the part 'On Human Bondage' (Remus had a penchant for Muggle philosophy). He wasn't sure why at this particular moment he had turned to Spinoza, his favorite philosopher, when he was in the middle of a book by Nietzsche, but he knew if only instinctively that Spinoza was entirely fitting for then and…always.

Spinoza was a philosopher for challenging emotions. Love was a most challenging emotion indeed.

Remus knew it was not healthy what he was doing, but the pain was so intense he could hardly help himself. He was doing something he had never done before and hoped never to do again, and that was to wait for his beloved by the door like a lonely child, or sad puppy, to wait for her to come home. To make sure she got home safely, he told himself, still chagrined, but then a more deeply burrowed voice in him sounded, and with it his humiliation intensified: 'no,' it said, 'to make sure that she is yours, even without your ever having had her.'

His eyes strained, Remus bent backwards his tall, lean frame pushing against his chair. He kicked out his feet and threw back his head; noticing the light in the adjacent hallway bathroom flicker off, Remus smelled before he actually saw Sirius Black step into the room.

Sirius reeked of alcohol. He was still recovering from last night's bender, which Remus had tried, with some success in fact, to transform from a moping to a merry occasion for his friend. On his way back up the stairs, Sirius nonetheless sleepily and half-drunkenly approached Remus and kissed his forehead. Mumbling, he took one of Remus's hands in his, as Remus smiled, wearily: 'Moony…stop this mooning over this…flighty…pink…flighty…what's the…the the the…the word?' 'Uh, woman?' 'Flighty thing! That's it. Stop mooning the flighty pink and just go to sleep. No woman is worth your tears…cry over me instead, love.' Remus's smile broadened. 'Sirius. I do cry over you too. As much as I am capable of crying, that is. And we have not agreed that I am crying now in the first place, let alone crying over a woman.' 'Over THAT woman…that woman…my cousin. I know, I know.' Sirius grinned, drunk but not stupid. 'I know you, Remus.' He began stumbling back upstairs. 'I know you. Listen, mate, let's talk tomorrow. We will cure you yet of this…wasting away over…she'll come to you…she will…just…don't cry. Women. The pink ones. They hate it, mate. Hate it. Worse than me.' 'Good night, Sirius. I'll make you something good for breakfast tomorrow.' Halfway up the stairs now, Remus figured, he heard his friend call out in a strained but cheery whisper 'Oh no…I don't expect to be able to keep a breakfast appointment. But you can make me a nice midnight snack. I'll be…'specting that from you…'

Seeing that even Sirius was sleeping off his burdens — which were way heavier than Remus's, he thought — Remus contemplated just giving up his fools' errand, and thought to apparate back to his flat, when he heard the 'pop' of an apparition just outside the door, and a few seconds later someone tripping over the troll's foot on the umbrella holder. A sure sign. 'Damn it!' he heard Tonks swear. Remus couldn't help himself. He stepped out into the hallway, just in time to see Tonks look up from dusting herself off. She was accompanied by an uncharacteristically giddy looking Fleur, whose short but elegant baby blue dress was the latest in Parisian couture. Fleur saw Remus slightly before Tonks did, and Remus thought he saw her sharply inhale, then conceal a giggle. 'Tonks, zat vas so much fun. Even zhough zose Muggles do not know anything about ze drinking; why iz it all so crude with them, eh? Vell. I zee you tomorrow, yes? Bisou!' Fleur kissed Tonks hurriedly, once on each cheek, and then, with a barely detectable wink at Tonks, apparated before her friend could say a word.

As he usually did when he didn't have a clue as to what to say, which was almost every time he saw Tonks these days, Remus shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the woman he had been waiting for, without a plan. Tonks stared at him staring at her. First, she seemed shocked and unsure. Remus looked away, and hung his head in the beginnings of shame. But when he looked up again, he was surprised — pleasantly — and, to his alarm, even a bit aroused, to see Tonks smiling at him mischievously. He had even less to say then, so he did the only thing he knew how just then: he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and bent his head further down and away.

'Remus…I…' Tonks took quite a few steps closer so that she was now directly in front of him. 'I didn't expect to see you until next week.' 'Oh, yes, well, I could go, I should go. I was going, in fact, just now.' Tonks's face fell. 'Why? I just got here. The least you could do is not run away screaming.' He looked at her quickly, and he saw that, though her voice was sad, her face was mischievous again. He felt a tug, or several, in various places in his heart and body. 'Oh. Uh. Right.' He looked away from her again. Tonks, he felt it, was looking at him up and down, slowly, amused, perhaps…or annoyed…he wasn't sure. 'Remus…' He loved hearing her say his name, loved it more than he'd ever admit to himself except while it was happening. This time she said it so softly, even tenderly. He couldn't help himself. He looked up, and into her eyes. Instantly, he knew why he always kept his eyes trained on the ground and his hands thrust deep in his pockets, at moments like this. For when he looked at her he could not look away.

Tonks was flushed from a night of dancing, her cheeks and lips vibrant with health. She was wearing a whimsical white dress, with a corset-style bodice and a flouncy multi-tiered skirt. The dress fit her perfectly except in the bust, and her breasts were pressed a little too tightly against the dress, which created a most, er, becoming effect. On Tonks's feet, however, were her usual olive-green Doc Martens, which somehow grounded the ethereal and feminine frock and made the look unique to her…She wore pink and yellow costume jewelry that, though gaudy, screamed pure joy, and her hair was a gorgeous smokey grey-blue, worn with a 60s flair, short bangs, flowing in beautiful waves just below her shoulders. To top it all off, she wore a dollar store tiara, charmed to flash pink, blue, and violet, Tonks's favorite colors. She was a mess of a woman with a mess of a style. And Remus adored it, every bit of her exuberant self-expression.

Tonks laughed, forcing Remus out of his reverie. 'Wotcher, Remus. Watcha staring at, you git?' She hit his arm. 'Oh, uh, nothing, nothing. Excuse me.' He turned and walked back into the library, and began to gather his books. Tonks trailed him.

'Is that it?! Is that all I get?!' 'Get? I'm sorry, I don't understand.' 'Oi. Never mind…' She handed Remus the book he just dropped, and the one he dropped after that too ('someone's getting their period, looks like!'), and then in effect blocked his exit from the library. 'Stay, Remus. What are you doing up so late anyway?' 'Oh, I was doing some recreational reading.' 'Recreational reading?' 'Yes.' 'Philosophy? Spinoza again?' 'Yes.' 'Ah! Ah ha!' 'What?' 'Well, you usually read Spinoza most intensely when you get withdrawn and moody.' He chuckled softly. 'Do I, Nymphadora?' 'Remus…don't call me that…' But she hit him on the arm playfully, again, and laughed as she said it. His heart fluttered in spite of himself.

'Were you, um. Remus. Were you, um. Well, why aren't you at home? Wherever that is…' 'I, uh, I…I wanted to see that you got home safe.' 'Oh! How chivalrous of you! Not to mention super sexist. I mean, mate, a woman can take care of herself. Especially when she's got a friend like Fleur. That girl can put your eye out and not just with her looks, I'm telling you. Don't underestimate…' 'I've no doubt any friend of yours is courageous and…up to all appropriate standards.' 'Ya do, do ya?' 'Why, yes. Why not?' 'You're a lot more confident in my judgment than my mum is.' 'Oh.' Remus wasn't sure it was good she was comparing him to her mum. Besides which he didn't think that was entirely fair. Tonks was 29, he was 40. Not quite old enough to be her parent. Though too old to be her boyfriend, he was sure.

Then somehow he said it. He didn't mean to, but it just came out. He felt panic the second the words escaped his lips. 'Did you have a good time with Jason, then? He didn't come in with you…' Tonks looked at him sharply, then with a softening curiosity. 'As a matter of fact, I did. I mean he's not the brightest crayon, plus he's a little waxy, but ya know, in a pinch. He does know how to dance, I'll give him that.' 'Oh.' Remus's face fell. 'Well. As I said. I'll be going now.' 'No you won't.' 'Pardon me?' 'Listen, Lupin, I'm tired of this bullshit. Do you want me or not?'


	2. Chapter 2

'Pardon?!' Remus's voice actually cracked. He swallowed and took a big step back from Tonks. Her hair began to transform from soft grey-blue to inky, pitch black. Her eyes blazed and blackened too. The effect was unsettling, but at least Remus didn't have to guess wildly at what she was feeling. On second thought, he wasn't sure. He just knew it was intense.

'Remus, no. I am done with this. You have been mooning around me for three months. I've had enough. I can't stand people not being direct. If there's something you want, come out and say it!' Tonks made it sound so simple. But Remus was terrified. This gorgeous, lively woman with the world at her feet. He could not keep up with her, her energy, her untarnished lust for life…He did not want to disrupt that in any way…it was better, wasn't it, to admire from — 'Seriously Remus quit this suffering admirer from afar shite and actually do something!' 'Like what?' Remus asked quietly, blushing furiously, hands back and secure in pockets.

Tonks softened again, in response to his retreat. She realized Remus was probably not used to women as…bold as her. If that was the word. More like brazen. Yeah. Like brazen tart. Tonks didn't dislike the sound of that. 'Hey…' she stepped closer to him. 'Hey. Like this.' She gently took both of his wrists and looked up into his face. She saw the indications of a powerful emotion beginning to take over his features, but he would not turn his face fully towards hers, his fringe falling in his eyes. She could not read his expression. 'Remus? Remus…is this' — she nodded towards her hands still lightly on his wrists — 'is this ok with you?' He slowly looked at her, and nodded shyly. Tonks brightened. 'Good! Good…and is this' — she gently pulled his hands out of his pockets and entwined her fingers around his — 'is this also ok with you?' Remus whimpered slightly. 'Damn,' Tonks thought, 'when was the last time this man had a good shag, or just any shag?' 'Yes,' Remus said quietly. Tonks beamed up at him, and she felt him relax a little. They kept standing just like that. Remus felt increasingly awkward, but not in a bad way. It was simply that he was not used to having to confront the complexity of his emotions. He felt…

Embarrassment. For being 'the man' (whatever that meant) and yet not being able to give Tonks the romance she probably craved. He was shy and hesitant, and he couldn't imagine being much of an initiator. Let alone much of a dancer.

He felt…

Tenderness. For the woman with boundless cheer and energy, probably enough to last her another several nights beginning just then, with friends just as cheerful and energetic…and instead of going back out on the town, shimmering in her eccentric beauty anywhere and for anyone she passed, here she was, quietly holding his hands, with all the sweetness and generosity of her being.

He felt…

Gratitude. That she should notice him at all. And that…Merlin, could it be? She seemed to have something more than a friendly intent towards him.

He felt…

Jealousy. If this is how she treated him, surely she knew how to treat other men, and all according to their wants and preferences. She'd probably done something far more sophisticated, or, um, modern, with Jason earlier that night…He couldn't imagine being so special as to be the only man in her life.

He felt…

Anger. At himself for not being what she needed and at her for picking on him, mocking him and tricking him into believing he could actually…

He felt…

Lust. While his mind and feelings were already many times over and in all directions preoccupied, he tried to exploit that fact to keep him from noticing the one emotion he feared the most, because it was the one with which he had the least experience, after years and years of training himself to do without…yet he wanted nothing more at that moment, or his body did, rather, want nothing more than to lie down with her…and then…and then…

He felt a lot of things. A lot of things he didn't want to feel, and much less wanted to name.

He did realize that they kept staring at each other, and Tonks's eyes were softening and darker than ever, fathomless…and she looked at him expectantly, yearning. But also dangerously. With a lust that seemed, to him, more startling and predatory even, than any woman's he'd ever encountered. Not that there had been that many women. Especially not in the last 5 years.

'Well, Remus? What now?' 'Um. Where were we? I mean, um, what were we talking about?' 'What you want.' 'What I want?' 'Do you want me?' 'Do I want —' 'Exactly, yes. Do you?' 'I —' Then, gently, softly, she coaxed: 'It's not so hard, I promise, Remus, not once you say it.' 'Say…' He was not trying to play a game, though he realized, on some level, it must seem that way. He was simply still overcome with shyness and was also rather dazed. Reduced to repeating after Nymphadora as if he could only ever speak heretofore by echoing her original words. She gave his very speech to him.

'Yes. Say whether you want me.' 'Want you? Want you…how?' 'Well, let's start out slow.' 'Ok. Slow.' Remus didn't think he could take much more of this. It felt so good, in this enchanted space-time, sure, but he didn't think he could bear having to confront all of the feelings that were now coming to the surface once and for all it seemed, becoming evident and public, without losing gumption and all self-respect. He could cope with his emotions in private, and in terms of his books, but putting that into practice and feeling along with another person, this he felt he could not do. Yet now was the beginning of that. He'd already revealed too much to her, and how? Somehow she had taken him in, and somehow, he found, he had been hoping she would.

'Do you want me as a friend?' 'Oh, yes. I value your friendship.' 'Oh, Remus!' Tonks's smile seemed to light up the room. 'I love your friendship too…I mean…well, you didn't say love, but…' 'No, no. I love your friendship, I'd say.' 'Oh! So do I! Well…Ok ok ok. Remus?' 'Yes, Nymphadora?' She didn't even think to correct him. She enjoyed her name on his lips. 'Do you want me to hold your hand?' 'I like what you're doing right now.' 'Oh, that pleases me.' He chuckled softly. 'It pleases me too.' 'I like when you laugh, you know.' 'No, I didn't know that.' 'Oh.' Silence fell between them again. Remus's shyness began to overtake him, but this time he was comfortable with it. He was getting a very strong feeling that Tonks did not need him to be anyone other than who he was just then. His shyness was entirely welcome to her. Finally, the silence broke. It was Tonks who broke it.

'I want you.' Remus laughed again. 'I thought I was the one supposed to be answering these questions.' 'I know, but you KNOW how IMPATIENT I am, Remus! I just had to get to the good part.' 'I think all the parts are good parts with you…Oh! Oh. I didn't mean it that way, I didn't mean your body!' Tonks was giggling. 'I mean subconsciously I am sure I did, but…oh!' Tonks took Remus's hands and began to guide them closer to her. 'You can touch me. If you'd like, I mean.' Now it was Tonks looking shy. Remus, meanwhile, was feeling increasingly comfortable. This woman was so concerned for reading him right and understanding his wants and needs; she was this wonderful combination of boldness and sexiness, on the one hand, and bashfulness and clumsy on the other. It was for him the most compelling mixture. He wanted to be just as considerate of her. 'I'd like to touch you very much…Is it ok…here?' He put his hands on her waist, as he felt his heart skip a beat and his breath become shallower. 'Yessss…' she replied somewhat huskily… 'but I kinda prefer them, for now, here…' She pressed his hands lower down so that he was encasing her hips. 'I like that.' 'I like that too.' Once again they came to a standstill. The moment was intense enough that Remus had to sit down, and so he did, slowly, still holding Tonks's curvy hips.

Looking up at her, wondrously, he asked in a quiet, pained voice: 'Do you have a boyfriend? Or a hidden husband? I don't even know.' Tonks felt tenderness course through her, as she looked at this gentle but sad man who was oh so matter of fact, but also nervous and hiding it well. 'Do you hear me mention such men?' 'No, never, but —' 'That's because they're dead and I murdered then buried them.' Remus looked taken aback, but then broke into a large smile as he saw the mischief again in her eyes, always that humor and energy, endless supplies of them, it seemed. 'Really, though. I…I don't want to be holding the hips of a woman who gets her hips held by someone else…I, I. I don't mind if people choose to do that, the open relationship. It's just not for me. At all. I'm sorry.' 'Ha! Why are you sorry? And why are you so convinced I'm polyamorous?' 'You seem so open-minded. And besides, you are so desirable, I cannot imagine how you choose between all the men offering themselves to you. And why should you choose? You're lovely and intelligent, and you should enjoy yourself.' 'Merlin's ba— er uh beard, Remus! Well, first of all, I am. Open-minded. And I have been in many different kinds of relationships, though I'm not in anything at the moment. Anyway, I am too busy to get jealous, and I am pretty easygoing. But this I have learned, my friend: every person you want to be with brings with him or her a different set of challenges and opportunities. If I were to, for example, get with you in some way' — here she winked, and Remus swallowed — 'it would be a lot different than if I got with, say, I don't know…Charlie, let's say.' 'You want Charlie?!' 'Tsk tsk, Remus. I can see you ARE the jealous kind. That is not good. Why are you so insecure?' 'It's just that it seems you might be interested in me…sexually, romantically, maybe…and that is, for me, it, it seems like a dream. I don't have dreams, though. I barely sleep, Nymphadora.' 'Ah. I see.' 'Well?' 'You're looking for an answer, huh?' Remus nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

'I can't give you all the answers at once, Remus! And you know that's not the way relationships work. No one can do that at the beginning of anything, just, like, lay it all out, and solve all the problems and first predict all of them. I can tell you a few things though.' She looked at him flirtatiously and then, kneeling down next to his chair, without breaking eye contact, she extended her fingers, caressing his cheek, drawing closer. He felt at once shy and emboldened to break his shyness. 'Yes. Tell me. Please.' 'I like you, Remus. I like you a lot.' 'I…I…thank you. I…I…I like you a lot more than a lot. I shouldn't be saying that.' 'I like you saying that, though. I love how honest you are.' 'Thank you.' 'And how ridiculously polite.' 'Indeed. Thank — ' Remus rolled his eyes at the trap. Tonks stroked his cheek again and Remus felt once again reduced to speechlessness. 'Hey…Remus…' 'Mmmm hmmm?' 'I want you.' 'How?' 'I want your friendship.' 'Yes. You have that for as long as you want it.' Tonks smiled slowly, and extended her reach into his hair, running her fingers gently through his graying strands. 'But I also want your body. I want to get to know you better. Would you like that?' 'Oh…yes…Yes I would like that…but…' Remus pulled back a little.

'But what?' 'Nothing.' Tonks laughed softly. 'Nothing? Oh my. You are truly adorable. You look like a little boy. You act like a little girl. It's beautiful.' 'Beautiful?!' Remus scoffed at himself. 'Spare me, Tonks. It's embarrassing. I have nothing to offer you. As you yourself just said, I am a child when it comes to these matters.' 'I didn't mean that you are a child.' 'Fine. A total naif though.' 'I simply do not believe that, Lupin. Listen. If I believed that, I myself would be the true naif. But I'm not.' Tonks sank down lazily and expansively into the couch opposite him, stretching her arms out wide as if to indicate the entire world. 'I'm a woman of the world, and full of guile and whiles and all that jazz.' 'Indeed. I am sure.' 'So don't try to kid me. You've got experience.' 'I do, yes. But probably not as much as you. And not of the same kind.' 'No. Everyone has different experiences. Everyone learns different things. That's ok.'

Remus sighed. 'I guess one of my worries — one of my many worries — is that you think I am someone you want but you are wrong. I am sure you date men with more vibrant personalities and better social skills.' Tonks yawned. 'Uh what? Oh, right. Sorry, Remus, I find it kind of boring to chat about what, in theory, I'm supposed to want. I want you. I told you that. I see you. I've taken note. I like what I see. I like what I've been jotting down in my notepad.'

'You really have a notepad?' 'I keep one on every potential…suspect. Constant vigilance, you know.' Remus groaned.

'So getting back to the topic at hand.' Tonks leaned forward, and Remus looked down and to the side, to avoid looking at her cleavage. 'I want you. In the biblical sense. How do you feel about that?' Remus looked up, looked down, then looked Tonks in the eyes. They were dancing, but her cheeks were flushed. She was a beautiful and typically Tonks kind of combination of excitement, confidence, and secret hesitance.

'That makes me feel wonderful. And so grateful. That is so…generous,' he exhaled. Tonks did not, as usual, hide any bit of her pleasure. 'Oh that's so lovely, Remus, YOU are so lovely…Ok. Well, would you like to kiss me?' 'No!' Tonks looked dismayed and she pulled back slightly. 'No?! Oh. But you just said —' 'I'm sorry. That came out wrong. I meant to say…Look. Nymphadora. This is what's so embarrassing…' He trailed off, and Tonks looked at him, expectantly. Her softness returned. She started to intuit what might be holding him back, and her heart went out to him. 'Hey…hey…take your time, ok? I don't want to pressure you. I am just starting a conversation. It doesn't have to go anywhere now. Or ever, if you don't want it to.'

Remus looked up at her, happy. This woman was truly something. He'd never felt so…comfortable with any woman before. He felt she gave him time and understanding, two gifts he felt were sorely and long lacking in his four decades of life. He wanted so desperately to give to her in return. To kiss her, to make love to her, and yet —

'Thank you, Nymphadora. That means…It means a lot to me. I…my reluctance has nothing to do with a lack of, um, desire on my part. It's just that…You see, I know you know…men are supposed to be, when it comes to women, the…you know, the…' 'The manly ones?' Tonks interjected, trying to be helpful. 'Well, uh, yes. Like that. The active ones, I suppose. The ones who go out and they take charge and—' 'Oh, so you're a sub.' 'A what?' 'A sub. It's cool. We're still compatible thus far. Wink wink.' 'Oh, no, I'm sorry I am not, that's not what I meant, quite—' 'It's ok, Remus. I will mentally dismiss the whips and chains right now.' 'Uh…how considerate of you.'

Tonks pulled a serious face. 'I didn't mean to distract you. Please continue.' 'No, it's fine…though you're reminding me of how boring I am.' 'Oh I seriously doubt that.' 'But why? Why do you doubt that?' 'I'll tell you later, Remus. Just continue telling me how you're not a manly man. I'm enjoying it.' 'Ok…yeah. I'm not…I mean I'm shy. I don't dance. I read. A lot. I spend a lot of time reading. I am not much of a provider. I am not wealthy. In fact, I am impoverished. I can give you nothing. I…I…not to mention I am a werewolf, but that is a hefty topic all by itself…'

'Ok, well. Let's deal with one concern at a time shall we?' 'Yes.' 'So first off, you're afraid that you are not manly enough for me.' 'Yes.' 'But I want you and find you plenty sexy. I like your style of masculinity. So where's the problem?' 'I'm just not young and…I'm sure I don't add up to…your fantasies of me…let alone your actual experiences with men.' 'None of that alarms or bothers me, Remus.' 'Oh.' Silence fell between them once again.

'Tell ya what. You may, of course, decline. But. If you'd like, I will kiss you just now. And you can tell me how it feels.' Tonks's hair began to morph into a gorgeous rosegold color, curling around her face in soft tendrils as she spoke. The effect was mesmerizing.

'I'm sorry, Nymphadora,' Remus whispered, and Tonks leaned in closer. 'Stop apologizing, Remus. Seriously. Everything is alright.' Remus felt warm again. More relaxing. 'It is?' 'Of course! You're not taking an exam are you?' 'I should hope not.' 'Me too. Now tell me what your other reservation is.' 'It's…even just a kiss would mean more to me than you can understand, Nymphadora. I don't believe it would mean the same thing, I mean, the kiss, between us.'

The young witch laughed heartily, placing a tender hand on the werewolf's shoulder. 'That is true! But Remus! When does anything mean the exact same thing to anyone? Never! I think it mostly matters for us that we both mean, ya know, like roughly the same thing when we kiss each other? Then we diminish the risk of misunderstanding.' 'But the risk will still be there.' 'Yup. Can't get rid of it.' 'And that's where I'm a disappointment, Nymphadora. Any man with any, um…' 'masculinity aka rapist tendencies? Is that what you're talking about, Remus? Cause I kind of like your lack of tendencies to just grab me and treat me like an object, ok?! Did you ever stop to think that's one of the things I love about you, that you treat women like people, not objects?!' Tonks was flushed and enraged, as if she had some specific men opposite Remus in mind, but also as if she was just fed up in general.

'I'm sorry, I'm not angry at you.I am just saying…fuck traditional masculinity. It can bloody well bugger off. Huh.' 'So you're saying…you don't think I'm less desirable because I…I think so much before kissing you?' 'I love that you think. I love it. I love that you're sensitive. I do wish you'd practice being less anxious though.' 'I feel less anxious. Right now, I mean. With you. You are…' Tonks smiled. 'Yes.' 'Yes.'

'So, again I interrupted you. I really suck at that. But you were saying that you're not into sexual assault. I like that. I approve. Go on…' 'Well, I'm sure most men are not into sexual assault—' 'You'd be surprised,' Tonks deadpanned. 'Ok, well…I guess then I'd like to know why you want to kiss me, or…what it would mean for you.' 'Come here first?' 'Um, there?' 'Yes,' Tonks gestured to the well worn space on the couch next to her. 'Right here.' 'Ok.'

Remus gingerly placed himself between Tonks and the armrest of the couch. 'I'm here…' 'Good…As I keep telling you, Remus, I don't think, to be completely honest, that anyone can avoid risk when it comes to this shite. Ya know? I can't promise exactly what will follow. But I can be honest and open about my hopes and intentions…' Remus swallowed again, and felt the peak of anxiety rushing back. 'Yes?' 'I hope to feel pleasure when we kiss, which I'm pretty sure I will. To say the least. I want to express to you the way I feel in a physical way, but that doesn't mean I only feel physical towards you, ok?' 'That makes sense.' Remus's breath was getting short, but now not so much due to anxiety. 'I want to kiss you because I want to show you how I feel. Then I want to date you. I want to get to know you better. And if I continue to feel good about you and with you, I eventually, with your willing participation, I would like to officially shag you.' Remus laughed. 'Does that satisfy you, Professor?'

'Actually…I really appreciate all of that. Thank you for being so straightforward.' 'You are most certainly welcome. But now I want your side.' 'My take?' 'On the very same question. What would it mean for you to kiss me?' 'It's embarrassing, Nymphadora. I think my feelings and hopes at this point are rather much more intense than yours.' 'That's ok. The hope is to even it out, achieve balance, right, in any relationship? I mean though, like…it can't be equal all the time at every step…just as long as in the long run, things balance out and they're usually on the level…' 'Yes, still…It's embarrassing to me. But I'll be honest. I actually feel comfortable being honest with you. You're…kind…and upfront…I…I'm, I'm in love with you. I don't know you well enough to love you. But I am certainly smitten. I think you're beautiful inside and out, and all the way through. That's…I can't…' 'Go on, Remus. Unless you want to stop there?' 'I can't remember when last I've spoken so much. Emotions are difficult for me.' 'You're doing well.' 'Am I?' 'I'd say so.' 'Thanks.' More silence. This time Tonks looked away.

And this time Remus reached out. As Tonks's face was still turned he gently brought her face back to look into his. He was surprised to find tears in her eyes. 'What?' he barely whispered. 'Oh, Remus…What you said…it means so much to me…' 'Oh.' He tenderly brought her closer to him and kissed the two tears, one from each eye, running down her cheek. She laughed out loud. 'Oh, Merlin, look who's playing to gender stereotype now.' 'It's ok…' 'Naw, it's not,' she herself said, whispering. 'You're not just one thing, Nymphadora. You're many things. You're not reducible. I don't pick out one of your traits or moments and say that's you and only that is the real you…You're…you're…you're real. You're beautifully complicated. I like that…And…and…I'd like to kiss you. Soon, if you don't mind.' 'Let me check my calendar, then…' Tonks pretended to reach for her purse, and Remus laughed, looking awkward but happy. Tonks just looked back, flirtatious and a little daring.


End file.
